"Would you please come tell my son to sit down and be quiet? Maybe he'll listen to you; I can't make him mind me," a mother said to me one day as she was waiting for an interview in the library's meeting room.
I walked over to the roaring tornado, leaned down and calmly told him that he had to be quiet when he was in the library, and that he was going to sit down and look at a picture book. He smiled at me and sat down.
The tornado was all of four years old.
What I really wanted to say to the mother was that if she couldn't control her son at the age of four, what was she going to do with him at the age of fourteen?
I didn't do anything magical with him. He just hadn't known me long enough to test me. He knew his mother. Either she had never set any expectations or boundaries of behavior for him, or she'd set boundaries and never enforced them. Children are smart. If there are never any consequences to misbehavior, why bother behaving?
Maybe he's learned that if he creates enough noise or chaos in a public place, he will be rewarded with candy or a toy. How many times have we seen parents give in to a child throwing a tantrum in a store? They've just reinforced that bad behavior, which means they've guaranteed a repeat performance the next time the child desires something.
Some children have learned that a parent or even a teacher isn't serious about getting them to do something until he or she has asked them at least five times and the last request is screaming at the top of their lungs. If the parent/teacher would ask once in a normal tone of voice and give a time frame (immediately, five minutes, thirty minutes, etc.) when something should end or be completed, and administer the consequences if disobedient, then the child would soon learn that the parent/teacher was serious on the first request. It's just as important, though, to reinforce or reward children's obedience and good behavior so they know they're doing something right.
Giving in to a misbehaving child isn't a sign of love, but rather defeat. Love means setting reasonable boundaries and having the patience and strength to stick to those rules. It's tough and exhausting at times, but parents/teachers are the ones in charge, and they have to be the stronger ones. And know that children will test those rules and boundaries-- no matter what age. Every time the parent or teacher gives in, their credibility is damaged and the child has been taught a lesson in disrespect and rebellion. Love means disciplining your children whenever they defy the rules.
A wonderful illustration of this battle of wills happened with my niece in her first grade class back when she was teaching in public school. A young man refused to do his homework of writing his spelling words three times, and Katherine would make him miss P.E. (which he loved) in order to write those spelling words. The first time he refused, she made him write them six times each; the second day he refused, nine times each, the third day he refused, twelve times each. Katherine kept telling him he could do this the easy way, which meant writing them only three times each for homework, or the hard way, which was what he was experiencing.
The light finally came on, and the boy started doing his homework and was allowed to go to P.E. again. He drew his teacher a heart that said, "Now that you love me, I love you, too."
To which she replied, "I've always loved you, and that's why I made you do those things."
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